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KK

Registered: 11/13/10
Posts: 121
 #1 

HUMOR = GOOD MEDICINE

"Just as chronic and severe stress can damage organic systems in our body, humor can heal. When people laugh, the autonomic nervous system mellows out and the heart is allowed to relax. Laughter can also boost the immune system, as it has been found to increase a person's ability to fight viruses and foreign cells, and reduce the levels of three stress hormones: cortisol, epinephrine, and dopac. Plus it's just fun to laugh. And having fun is it's own stress buster." -- Therese Borchand



__________________
Hang in there ! No one here will ever be alone again in this fight.
We'll support each other. ............ KK...........Kathy K http://www.virtualtrials.com/survivekathy.cfm
mdlove

Registered: 03/13/04
Posts: 4,214
 #2 

yes our feelings become our chemistry


__________________
bernie siegel
mdlove

Registered: 03/13/04
Posts: 4,214
 #3 

 Subject: jails and nursing homes


                    Jails and Nursing Homes

                    Here's the way it should be:

                    Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals
in nursing homes.
                    This would correct two things in one motion:

                    Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
                    They would receive unlimited free prescriptions,
dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.
                    They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.
                    They would have constant video monitoring, so
they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.
                    Bedding would be washed twice a week and all
clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
                    A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.
                    All meals and snacks would be brought to them
                    They would have family visits in a suite built
for that purpose.
                    They would have access to a library,
weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and
free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized
entertainment artists.
                    Simple clothing - i.e., shoes, slippers, pj's -
and legal aid would be free, upon request.
                    There would be private, secure rooms provided
for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.
                     Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and
radio in their room at no cost.
                    They would receive daily phone calls.
                    There would be a board of directors to hear any
complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.
                    The guards would have a code of conduct to be
strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect
the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.


                    As for the criminals:


                    They would receive cold food.
                    They would be left alone and unsupervised.
                    They would receive showers once a week.
                    They would live in tiny rooms, for which they
would have to pay $5,000 per month.
                    They would have no hope of ever getting out.
                        "Sounds like justice to me!"


__________________
bernie siegel
Rose2

Registered: 01/31/09
Posts: 362
 #4 
Bernie,
I like your view on nursing homes and jail! I agree!
BRAVO! I can finally type today - I got my cast of my left hand off at the doctor's office. Now, time for PT! Ugh! (LOL)
Love you and miss you!
Rosie

__________________
Love to you all, Rose
mdlove

Registered: 03/13/04
Posts: 4,214
 #5 
from his son's autobiography
survival behavior
ronald regan after being shot and going into ER said
i hope you are all republicans
staff thought he was nuts
so he tried again going into OR he said the same thing
and the surgeon said yes under these conditions ther are all republicans and he got some smiles

__________________
bernie siegel
mdlove

Registered: 03/13/04
Posts: 4,214
 #6 

 


 

 

FARM KID IN BASIC TRAINING


 

Dear Ma and Pa, 

I am well.   Hope you are.

Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Military  beats working for old man Minch  by a mile.. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled up.


 

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.  No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. 


 

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water and nice soap. 

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food,  plus yours,  holds you until noon   when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. 

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us   If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.  A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The Sargent is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.

The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.


 

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. 

I keep getting medals for shooting.   I don't know why. 

The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home..  All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.  You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes. 


 

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.  You get to wrestle with them city boys.  I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.  It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.  I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver   Lake .  I only beat him once..  He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry. 

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in. 


 

Your loving daughter, 

Alice 





__________________
bernie siegel
rvandenbosch

Registered: 03/10/04
Posts: 4,169
 #7 

Thanks Bernie.  I'm laughing and smiling again.  It does help.


__________________
Wishing you love & peace,

Ruth
Char

Registered: 03/25/04
Posts: 928
 #8 
too funny!

im copying it to send on

tks )

Char

__________________
Hi everyone..

What a great forum.

THE TIME IS NOW!!!
mdlove

Registered: 03/13/04
Posts: 4,214
 #9 

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.' 


3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'


4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?' 


5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'  


6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'


7) ELDERLY
 
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
 


8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'


9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'   (I want this line used at my funeral!) 
   


10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just  wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
 

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam 's underwear!' 


NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT
 


__________________
bernie siegel
rvandenbosch

Registered: 03/10/04
Posts: 4,169
 #10 
These jokes are from Vanessa, our friend from Liverpool!  Thanks V.  I love em, especially the joke about "Hospital Regulations!"
An elderly gentleman.... 
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. 

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
 
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. 
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.. I've  changed my will three times!'




Two elderly gentlemen 
from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
 
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. 
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.' 
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' 
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you  love? 
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'  
'Do you mean a rose?' 
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ' Rose , what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations 
require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
 
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. 
On the  way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..  
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 
'Sure..'  
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 
'No, I can remember it.' 
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down?' 
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. 
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!  Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' 
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 
'Where's my toast ?'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 
'So I hear you're getting married?' 
'Yep!'  
'Do I know her?' 
'Nope!' 
'This woman, is she good looking?' 
'Not really.' 
'Is she a good cook?' 
'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 
'Does she have lots of money?' 
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 
'I don't know.' 
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 
'Because she can still  drive!'


Three old guys are out walking. 
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' 
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' 
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?' 
'Twelve thirty..'


Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' 
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be  careful.'



One more. . .!
 
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
 






 
Enjoy!



__________________
Wishing you love & peace,

Ruth
Rose2

Registered: 01/31/09
Posts: 362
 #11 
Ruth(my CM),
Just wanted you to know I got a big kick of the jokes you posted. I love you so much as well. We need to be talking with each other, right? I am not able to spend time with my psychologist because his secretary had to quit due to the fact she now has 'gout'. It is a painful thing as Mom tells me. 
Anyway, Love you bunches! ((((((((((ruth))))))))))
Rosie

__________________
Love to you all, Rose
KK

Registered: 11/13/10
Posts: 121
 #12 

Winter Travel Warning

With all of the severe weather we have been having this winter,


The Department of Transportation issued a travel warning


They suggest that anyone traveling in the current icy & snowy conditions should have the following:      

 

Shovel

Blankets or sleeping bag

Extra clothing including coats, hats and gloves

24 hours worth of food

De-icer

Rock salt

Flashlight and spare batteries

Road flares or reflective triangles

Empty gas can

Booster cables      

 

I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning.

 

 

 


__________________
Hang in there ! No one here will ever be alone again in this fight.
We'll support each other. ............ KK...........Kathy K http://www.virtualtrials.com/survivekathy.cfm
Nayeli

Registered: 01/09/11
Posts: 20
 #13 
Subject  Perfect Husband


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.


  MAN: "Hello"


  WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"


  MAN: "Yes."


  WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.


  It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"


  MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."


  WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."


  MAN: "How much?"


  WOMAN: "$90,000."


  MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."


  WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie  and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.


  They're asking $980,000 for it."


  MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."


  WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"


  MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."


  The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.


  He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

 

 

 


mdlove

Registered: 03/13/04
Posts: 4,214
 #14 
this morning our daughter called sounding terrible and saying she was in the police statioon and would i come down
i said i'll be right there and she said
april fool
she really got me

__________________
bernie siegel
Nayeli

Registered: 01/09/11
Posts: 20
 #15 

 LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.  

HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. 

THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. 

BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND

AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

 HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE".

 BILLY SAYS:  "I'M FINE, MUMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET. "

 MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. 

BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "IT WORKS ON THE TOMATO SAUCE BOTTLE!"
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