janice
Registered: 07/31/08
Posts: 91
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| #1 |
How do I learn to live again when so much has been taken away? This thought keeps me awake all night and encompasses most of my day.
I used to be able to do everything, No task was too much or too hard.
Now I have to psyc myself up To take a walk in my own back yard! My energy is completely drained! I feel useless, and lifeless, & tired I’m of no use to anyone anymore If I were my boss I’d be fired!! What happened to all my stubbornness? To my will to live and survive? All my confidence is completely gone And I hate the fact I’m alive!! People say not to focus on myself To focus on God and the heavens But it’s really dang hard not to focus on bags When they’re hanging off me 24-7! I want to have my old self back! The happy and positive me! Although I search she cannot be found - Think she died after my last surgery! |
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Vicki
Registered: 03/20/04
Posts: 442
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| #2 |
This is actually a form of psalm. I love it. Get even madder. Cry. Rage. Spit. Howl.
And write about it. |
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mdlove
Registered: 03/13/04
Posts: 3,433
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| #3 |
that's right life is about beginnings, graduations are commencements and not terminations, and the labor pains of rebirthing yourself
so learn from the kids and animals and take a nap
the neuropeptides which control immune function make us sleepy too
so listen to your body and do what makes you happy rather than thinkling about what you can't do
to quote a veterinarian who was a mess before her mastectomy until she remembered
i operate on animals and amputate jaws and legs and the they wake up and lick their owners faces
they know they are here to love and be loved
and teach us a few things
so janice go lick some faces
if you hate being alive your body will solve your problem BIRTHDAY first day burst day birth forth burst forth birthday first day I feel the energy in my day my beginning of the beginning it never ends always beginning born again and again when is labor over when is rest day when will I finally leave the womb when does birth end and life begin now peace
lassie
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bernie siegel |
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GailBSrebnik
Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 186
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| #4 |
Janice...I so wish i could wrap you in warmth and loving tenderness. Your words speak volumes but allow me to suggest that 'she did not dye' but rather she was transformed and that transformation is now speaking and will find it's own solutions in time.
Blessings,Gail
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All things are Possible! |
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rvandenbosch
Registered: 03/10/04
Posts: 3,505
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| #5 |
Janice,
You go girl! I know how hard it is to focus on your needs and not take care of the world! I believe that you're on the way back to finding your healthy self! Keep looking up and quit focusing on those bags!
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Wishing you love & peace,
Ruth |
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rvandenbosch
Registered: 03/10/04
Posts: 3,505
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| #6 |
Hi Janice,
I would like to share a calming meditation I do throughout the day to stay grounded. It is very short but very effective especially if you are under any stress.
Find a comfortable position.
Take three deep breaths. Inhale through the nose.
Exhale through the mouth. Hold each breath for a count of seven. Feel your legs become heavy and connected to Earth.
Feel your hips become settled as the Earth energy move upward through your body.
Continue breathing deeply and evenly.
Feel the Earth’s energy move to up your chakras - through your abdomen and chest to your throat. At the throat chakra inhale deeply and feel it fill with blue energy as it merges with the Earth energy.
As you exhale say out loud, “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh”.
Allow the Earth energy to continue through the third eye and crown chakras.
As you feel it escape through the crown breath deeply again and release with another “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”
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Wishing you love & peace,
Ruth |
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mdlove
Registered: 03/13/04
Posts: 3,433
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| #7 |
LAST WORDS One more breath How do I use it? One more breath Why bother? What do I tell them? One more breath Will they understand? One more breath What wisdom can I share? One more breath How can I enlighten them? One more breath I have the answer One more breath of life A-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H One more breath
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bernie siegel |
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jann
Registered: 07/12/09
Posts: 125
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| #8 |
A word of thanks to a few of you...
Janice: thanks for you honesty. I may not be so eloquent as some of the others on here, but I am battling stage IV cancer, and know frustration and some of what you may be going thru'. I'm with Vicki on this one...feel angry, spit, cuss, rant, rail, pound, cry, let it loose, whatever you need to do...
And then, as with what Ruth says, try not to concentrate on those bags, as hard as that may be, when they are hanging off of you!
Another thanks you to Bernie, and the wise and inspiring words...
Yet another thanks to Ruth, and her sharing if her short and calming meditation. I am always looking for those, Ruth, as I have had problems in the past not knowing 'how' to meditate and really quiet my mind. I remember that I had just finished reading Bernie's one book (...Miracles...) and was at my first infusion treatment. I was scared, it was all yet new (this was just this past Feb. as I was only just diagnosed in early Dec. of 2008, had the mastectomy in Jan. '09, and then in Feb. was told of the lovely little detail that I had the double whammy of it being 4th stage). Anyway, I had ordered a couple of Bernie's cd's and had put them on my ipod along with Enya and all of those beautiful favourites...
I remember I was sitting in a chemo chair in the sunshine by a window...and for the first time in my life, I really relaxed listening to my ipod, and actually got lost..in Bernie's words and the quietness and realm of my deeper self. I had never felt that kind of wonderful depth and light than I did at that time. I have since learned a few tools to get there again, and yet always I find need the calm of the music that I love so much...
So Ruth, a few of those little helpful ditties are wonderful for me as well, and I thank you.
Janice, I am holding you in my thoughts and want you to keep writing to us here. As this is so relatively new to me, I learn a lot from you, and all of the others here that write and offer their love and support.
I am generally a ham with an enormous sense of humour, but I too get tired and need someone else to 'carry the torch' sometimes. As tonight, I look to here for some inspiration when I am feeling a tad bit low! This was one of those nights...
All the hugs to you that you will accept, and much love and light your way.
To Bernie and Ruth, thanks to you both for unwittingly helping me so much tonight.
Twinkling stars and moonbeams,
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Smiles and sunshine,
Jan |
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mdlove
Registered: 03/13/04
Posts: 3,433
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| #9 |
we need to focus on what we have and not what we do not have or want
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bernie siegel |
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janice
Registered: 07/31/08
Posts: 91
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| #10 |
ya know, people can say, "you NEED to do this" and you "MUST do that" but, that does no good.
When someone is having a difficult time, telling them that they "must", "have", "should", "need" to do something falls on deaf ears.
At least it does with me anyway. I don't nor have I ever, appreciated someone telling me I HAVE to do something. My defenses always go up when approached in that manner.
A more acceptable approach (for me anyway) is when people share their own personal experience, strength & hope rather then telling someone what they must do. I relate much better that way.
Anyway, I found a great piece of info on a ostomy site about the 5 stages of grief everyone goes through when facing a loss, whether it be a loved one, or in my instance, my bowels.
It helped me to realize that what I am experiencing is perfectly normal.
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mdlove
Registered: 03/13/04
Posts: 3,433
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| #11 |
yes elizabeth kubler ross talked about the stages of grief
related to loss years ago
when we accept our loss we can recover our lives
i keep thinking of the veterinarian who before losing a part of her body due to cancer was healed by her patients
"i can amputate a leg or a jaw and they wake up and lick their owner's faces. they know they are here to love and be loved and teach us a few things."
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bernie siegel |
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rvandenbosch
Registered: 03/10/04
Posts: 3,505
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| #12 |
Janice,
You are so right. No one can tell you what you need, should, would do. I'm glad that you found the ostomy information site and what you are experiencing is normal. I could not tell you this because I have not experienced an ostomy. I also grieved when I lost my reproductive organs and my ability to have children. You are going through all of the stages of grieving many times. When you think you are doing well, you might become angry or depressed or unrealistic... it's a very long process to acceptance. It took me years and I finally have accepted it. I will tell you to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel. We are here for you to listen to your concerns and support you.
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Wishing you love & peace,
Ruth |
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jann
Registered: 07/12/09
Posts: 125
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| #13 |
Janice and others...please allow me to share a bit of my early experiences here. It has only been this past year (oh my, what a year!!)!
I was in such shock when I first got my diagnosis, that I was in a sort of daze right through that Christmas, through the mastectomy in Jan., thru' the staging and the news of my mets to the liver, and the first few chemo treatments. I started reading Bernie's books after the surgery, so was on my way to re-thinking my realities, searching deeper into my soul about my life, and all of that. I got to the point where I really looked forward to my Thursday afternoons...chemo afternoons...when I could leave work early, and sit quietly listening to my ipod while that 'golden elixir' was being infused into me. I looked at it as MY time...my quiet time in the week when nobody bothered me and I could just shut my eyes and listen and "search" deep inside. I would work at the visualizations of those little pac men eating up the wonderful chocolate bits (cancer cells) or sometimes me swimming with the little fish that would gobble up the morsels as we motored along (cancer cells again!). I'm a pisces, and although I'm not too much into astrology, my neighbour (who is) pointed out that all of my visualizations that I shared with her had something to do with water! I thought about it, and other than the pac men and the chocolate, she was right. I love the water...need to see it, be near it, find it close by, such as lakes and rivers (love the flowing water), and especially the ocean. Soooo, I got myself out there and found a little lake closeby to visit often, and I found a steep path that took me right down to the ocean shore here in Anchorage (most of the viewing sites etc are up on top of cliffs in Anchorage).
Anyway, I got online every single time my doc told me the name of any medication etc., and researched the hell out of everything. Janice, it made me feel better too when I found out that things I was feeling/going thru' was "normal" and that I wasn't alone in the plethora of feelings and thoughts that were bouncing and whirling around in my head since the diagnosis and my "cancer experiences", options, decisions, and more decisions to make...
Bernie, you are so right in learning to be grateful for what you do have and n ot focus on what you do not...
As my entire family is in Canada and I am up in Alaska, I have become incredibly grateful for them, and their never-ending support long distance, and I know that I am lucky to have that support, no matter where it comes from. I also have found this site here, which is amazing, as these wonderful people here also tell me thru' their words and own experiences that I am not alone in this journey...
I learn something from all of you every day.
With love, and thanks to all for allowing me to ramble on and share here...
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Smiles and sunshine,
Jan |
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Rose2
Registered: 01/31/09
Posts: 202
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| #14 |
Bernie,
Thank you for your wise words.
Ruth,
I shall do that meditation as well! Thank you!
Janice,
Your poem was honest. I thank you for that. I am a fellow poet as well. You did good. Thanks so much for your honesty and you are getting better by the minute! I know it!
Love,
Rosie
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Love to you all, Rose |
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