A Message Board, Guestbook, or Poll hosted for your website.

Bernie's Discussion Forum

|

|

|

ECaP > Message Board > A Smile

| Search This Thread

Author

Comment

Vicki
Registered: 03/20/04
Posts: 433

05/27/09 at 03:59 PM

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Rose2
Registered: 01/31/09
Posts: 202

05/27/09 at 05:20 PM

Vicki,
I loved what you put down! A big smile came across my face too! Bless you, you have made my day!
Love,
Rose

__________________
Love to you all, Rose

Vicki
Registered: 03/20/04
Posts: 433

05/27/09 at 05:59 PM

I was thinking of Bernie's mother and you when I posted it

Betty
Registered: 03/24/09
Posts: 967

05/27/09 at 07:53 PM

Yep, Vicki, that's how I remember your name...Vick's vapo rub.

Great Joke!

__________________
Live your Bliss
Betty

rvandenbosch
Registered: 03/10/04
Posts: 3,498

05/28/09 at 06:37 PM

Tom's Bicycle

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced..

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held it's breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

__________________
Wishing you love & peace,

Ruth

Vicki
Registered: 03/20/04
Posts: 433

05/28/09 at 06:49 PM

Good one. Reminds me of the little boy on Art Linkletter who said he wished he was an octopus so he could wrap his testacles around everybody

Betty
Registered: 03/24/09
Posts: 967

05/28/09 at 07:06 PM

Here we go: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zB3aHMP5FaA&feature=related

__________________
Live your Bliss
Betty

GailBSrebnik
Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 186

05/29/09 at 05:30 PM

ok, I give! lol just too funny and I love it all! Gail

__________________
All things are Possible!

rvandenbosch
Registered: 03/10/04
Posts: 3,498

06/04/09 at 01:51 PM

Did somebody say bumber stickers?

Grow your own dope! Plant a man.

"I left my other vehicle in the broom closet."

"Jesus is coming... and boy, is he pissed!

Don't laugh.......your daughter may be in here!!

Neuter Newt.

"BEER ... IT'S NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST ANYMORE!"

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.

No Matter Where You Go, There You Are.

My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student.

Cats Flattened While You Watch.

I May Be Fat but You're Ugly - and I Can Lose Weight.

Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS

Dare to keep the CIA off Drugs.

Quit Sniveling.

Stupid People Shouldn't Breed.

Kissing a Smoker is like Licking an Ashtray

Happiness is Coming.

Have You Flogged Your Crew Today?

Forget the Whales, Save the Cowboy.

Eat American Lamb. Ten Million Coyotes Can't be Wrong.

I'm From the Government. I'm Here to Help You.

Blood Sun Earth

Old Skiers Never Die. They Just go Downhill.

Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.

Disarm Rapists

Commit Random Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty

Happiness is the Ball in the Fairway.

Have You Hugged Your Stockbroker Today?

My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

My Mother was a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips

I brake for Hallucinations.

Illiterate? Call This Number for Help...

Welcome to Colorado - Now Go Home

If You Love Jesus Tithe - Any Fool Can Honk

I'm OK. You're So-So.

Will Rogers Never Met Howard Cosell.

Smile - Its The Second Best Thing you can do with Your Lips.

"Telling an Old Person He's Useless Is Abortion on the Other End"

Scixelsyd Etinu. [Read Backwards]

Use Caution in Passing - Driver Chewing Tobacco

If Men Could Have Abortions, It Would Be a Sacrament

Ask First If The Animal Wants To Be Killed

Your Mother's Choice was Pro-Life. [Waah...]

Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can

If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range

This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random

Black Holes Suck.

This vehicle does not turn left on red

"Ask me about microwaving cats for Fun & Profit"

RUGBY PLAYERS EAT THEIR YOUNG

JESUS IS COMING.......LOOK BUSY!

"I'm up and dressed. What more do you want?"

MONEY IS THE ROUTE TO ALL EVIL-- send $9.95 for more info.

I Have PMS And I Have A Gun!

GIVE BLOOD...PLAY HOCKEY.

And Finally, "Help Stamp Out Bumper Stickers."

__________________
Wishing you love & peace,

Ruth

Vicki
Registered: 03/20/04
Posts: 433

06/05/09 at 05:09 PM

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother. "I was taking pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

Betty
Registered: 03/24/09
Posts: 967

06/05/09 at 06:22 PM

Here are two more bumper stickers:

Get out of your own way

I owe, I owe, so off to work I go.

__________________
Live your Bliss
Betty

rvandenbosch
Registered: 03/10/04
Posts: 3,498

06/05/09 at 09:11 PM

This is a Vicki type joke and I love it!

By: Lili

Once upon a time, there were three moles living together in a mole-hole, a Papa Mole, a Mama Mole, and a Baby Mole. One morning, the Papa Mole got up and stuck his head out of the mole-hole.

"Mmm..." he said, "I smell pancakes!"

The Mama Mole got up and stuck her head out of the mole-hole and said, "Mmm.... I smell butter!"

The Baby Mole wanted to smell for himself, but he was much too short, but he took a whiff anyway and said, "Mmm.... I smell molasses!"

__________________
Wishing you love & peace,

Ruth

Vicki
Registered: 03/20/04
Posts: 433

06/05/09 at 09:19 PM

Ruth, you thilly thing you. Mole athes

rvandenbosch
Registered: 03/10/04
Posts: 3,498

06/06/09 at 09:05 AM

Enjoy!

3 clergymen gather for coffee

Posted in: Miscellaneous

By: Cosmo

A priest, a pentecostal minister, and a rabbi would get together twice a week for coffee to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
>
>Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
>
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
>
>They both looked down at Rabbi Goldberg, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

__________________
Wishing you love & peace,

Ruth

raven
Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 441

06/07/09 at 07:57 AM

FIRST TIME SEX .............

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being hi s first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

Previous Thread | Next Thread

Page 1 of 19 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 > » Last

Bookmarks

Digg

del.icio.us

StumbleUpon

Google