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rvandenbosch

Registered: 03/10/04
Posts: 4,169
 #31 
This joke is from Vanessa. Enjoy!

The Hunter
 
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged ... shooting himself in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
 
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'"
 
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister." 
 
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" 
 
"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the London Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."


__________________
Wishing you love & peace,

Ruth
beth

Registered: 04/24/06
Posts: 3,040
 #32 
What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used-car salesman?

The used-car salesman KNOWS when he's lying.

__________________
Beth
mdlove

Registered: 03/13/04
Posts: 4,214
 #33 

To paraphrase W.C. Fields, "I don't drink water, because fish screw in it."

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine ... 
and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,

scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria  found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..

However,

we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
           
   
Remember:

Water = Poop,
  Wine  = Health.


Therefore, it's better to drink wine, beer, or liquor and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of sh-t


There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a selfless public service!      

 

__________________
bernie siegel
rvandenbosch

Registered: 03/10/04
Posts: 4,169
 #34 


There are female jokes and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.


I offer it to you in the hopes
that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it!



A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.




This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...


on one condition...."


Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."




The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....




"Clean my house."


__________________
Wishing you love & peace,

Ruth
mdlove

Registered: 03/13/04
Posts: 4,214
 #35 

 

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable...

   
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to  Rome  with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

   
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?" 


"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"


 

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"


 

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's  Tiber River  called Teste."

   
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." 


 

"We're going to go to see the  Vatican  and maybe get to see the Pope."


"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."  


 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .   
 
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.   

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"


"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."  


 

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.  Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

  
"Oh, really!  What'd he say ?"   
   
He said: "Who *****d up your hair?"

 


__________________
bernie siegel
rvandenbosch

Registered: 03/10/04
Posts: 4,169
 #36 

Good one Bernie!


__________________
Wishing you love & peace,

Ruth
beth

Registered: 04/24/06
Posts: 3,040
 #37 
Thanks for the laughs, Ruth and Bernie! 

__________________
Beth
beth

Registered: 04/24/06
Posts: 3,040
 #38 
One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked
around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked
the man for letting him out.

The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii
but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me
seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just
think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how
deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the
pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one
other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand
my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why
is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes
or four?"

__________________
Beth
mdlove

Registered: 03/13/04
Posts: 4,214
 #39 
 If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
 
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss  USA  contest.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky ; basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"Outside of the killings, Washington DC has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
--A congressional candidate in Texas
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: "How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
 
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
 
Feeling smarter yet?
Send it on to your brilliant friends.
I just did!!
 
 

__________________
bernie siegel
beth

Registered: 04/24/06
Posts: 3,040
 #40 


__________________
Beth
MargaretS

Registered: 03/13/04
Posts: 1,413
 #41 
Sure do appreciate all the giggles.

Hugs,

Margaret



__________________
" I can do all things through Christ, Who strengthens me. " Philippians 4:13

Step forward in Faith
rvandenbosch

Registered: 03/10/04
Posts: 4,169
 #42 

Four men got together at a reunion. All of them had sons and they started
discussing them. The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owned
a factory, manufacturing furniture.  Why, just the other day he gave his
best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.

The second man said his son was doing just as well. He was a manager at a
car sales firm.  Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

The third man said his was doing well too.He was a manager at a bank.
Why, just the other day he gave his best friend all the money to buy a house.

The fourth man just shook his head.  He said his son was gay and hadn't
amounted to much. But he must be doing something right because,
just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari
by his friends!


__________________
Wishing you love & peace,

Ruth
mdlove

Registered: 03/13/04
Posts: 4,214
 #43 
from church bulletin

thursday night potluck supper
prayer and medication to follow

remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community

this being easter sunday we will ask mrs. lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar

tonight's sermon topic is what is hell? come early and listen to our choir practice

__________________
bernie siegel
Vicki

Registered: 03/20/04
Posts: 689
 #44 

Alice was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies'

group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging

through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while

drying her hair, dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout

camp. But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat

and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time

to bake another cake." This cake was so important to Alice because she did

so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends.

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build

up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet

paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only

did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head

for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific

instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30,

and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale,

she found that the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold.

Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.

Alice was horrified. She was beside herself. Everyone would know, what

would they think? Oh my, she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked

about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people

pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think

about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at

the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not

really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once

had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not

from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd she

could not think of a believable excuse to stay home. The meal was elegant,

the company was definitely upper crust old South and to Alice's horror, the

CAKE in question was presented for dessert.

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, and she

started out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but

before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful

cake!" Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard

the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."
mdlove

Registered: 03/13/04
Posts: 4,214
 #45 

the ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. they can be seen in the church basement Saturday.


__________________
bernie siegel
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