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Gerlinde

Registered: 03/18/09
Posts: 194
 #1 
To bring a smile to your day. The USA and Canada remained and are still friends, so no harm was done!
~Gerlinde


This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

 

rvandenbosch

Registered: 03/10/04
Posts: 4,169
 #2 

Oops!  Too funny!


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Wishing you love & peace,

Ruth
mdlove

Registered: 03/13/04
Posts: 4,214
 #3 

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

 

The winners: 


1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
 
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
 
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
 
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
 
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
 
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
 
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. 
 
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash. 
 
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
 
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
 
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
 
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
 
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
 
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
 
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
 
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.  

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
 
This year's winners:
 
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.  The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
 
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
 
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
 
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
 
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
 
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
 
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
 
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
 
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
 
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
 
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
 
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
 
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
 
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your  bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
 

And the pick of the literature:
 
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole. 

 


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bernie siegel
rvandenbosch

Registered: 03/10/04
Posts: 4,169
 #4 

I love these!  Thanks Bern!


__________________
Wishing you love & peace,

Ruth
mdlove

Registered: 03/13/04
Posts: 4,214
 #5 

i think these go better with my other photograph


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bernie siegel
Gerlinde

Registered: 03/18/09
Posts: 194
 #6 
How funny! Thank you, Bernie.

#10 in the second half especially reverberated with me .... my daughter calls my current diet "starvation diet", because it eliminates all the delicious, fatty food!

No, I think your current photo goes fabulously with it. I knew a teacher who said the funniest things with a totally straight face - it made his jokes even funnier. And then there is Balderdash (#10 in the first part)!

~Gerlinde

beth

Registered: 04/24/06
Posts: 3,040
 #7 
chuckling as I type... thanks, Bernie 

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Beth
beth

Registered: 04/24/06
Posts: 3,040
 #8 
                                       
The Google Toilet

Google has finally developed technology that can literally sift through your sh*t.



                        The Google Toilet: SuperNews!

LOL 

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Beth
Gerlinde

Registered: 03/18/09
Posts: 194
 #9 
Will not be Chinese sh*t, though, as they are moving out of China!

Here is the unforgettable Victor Borge; one section deals with memory loss ....
 

~Gerlinde 
rvandenbosch

Registered: 03/10/04
Posts: 4,169
 #10 

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He
stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely
drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so
he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way
up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear
end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty
pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken
glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he
didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing,
he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure
enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired
the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to
bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting,
and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good
story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you
go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered
last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this
morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."


__________________
Wishing you love & peace,

Ruth
vcab

Registered: 01/21/10
Posts: 71
 #11 

cute


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In Christ,
Viv
rvandenbosch

Registered: 03/10/04
Posts: 4,169
 #12 


A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, 
sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them 
on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. 
The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. 
The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem." 
"If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, 
the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Fifty cents," the man answers.

__________________
Wishing you love & peace,

Ruth
beth

Registered: 04/24/06
Posts: 3,040
 #13 

__________________
Beth
rvandenbosch

Registered: 03/10/04
Posts: 4,169
 #14 

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her
husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her
next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're
finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean
her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."



__________________
Wishing you love & peace,

Ruth
rvandenbosch

Registered: 03/10/04
Posts: 4,169
 #15 

Puns


The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir  Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited  for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then  it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:  'Keep off the Grass.'

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change  yet.'

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a  small medium at large.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects

 

 

 



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Wishing you love & peace,

Ruth
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